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ok. new journal.   
11:10pm 30/11/2004
  yep. new journal.


yes, it's still friends only.
i'm adding a few people already, but there are some that i'm not sure if they even want to be on there.
so comment if you care to be.

(5 bloody faces | dance at a punk show)

Let's hear it for the fat asses.   
01:17pm 28/10/2004


(5 bloody faces | dance at a punk show)

"What do I really want in a girl? Me."   
09:29pm 06/10/2004
mood: rejuvenated
It's the damnedest thing...
I walked out of therapy today, and suddenly everything was so much clearer for me.
The clouds finally lifted and the sun was shining on my face, but it was the first time in so long that I'd actually felt its heat, because it's the first time in 5 years that I haven't felt so down and depressed that the world was always dark to me.
I finally felt the sun on my skin.
When I got home, I washed my hands, and I finally felt the water running over me.
I finally felt the softness of my brother's skin.
I finally saw the flecks of gold and green in my eyes.
And I finally tasted the chocolate that I held between my lips.
Because just when I thought I couldn't get any worse...
The curtains opened and the spotlight shone down on me; the last act wasn't a tragedy after all.

To be so sick and so stuck in your own mind... you have no idea how many things you forget about the world.
You forget what it's like to feel the wind blowing through your hair, and what it's like to feel your bare feet on wet grass, and what it's like to hear a song and actually feel the music as it plays in your ears.

Carlye is so very proud of me.
And she's so excited that I'm recovering, because she didn't think it would happen so quickly.
Is it because of anything? Yes.
Is it because of Chip, she asked? No.
It's because of me.
It's because of all that I've missed out on in the world, in life.
You'd be amazed at how much you can miss out on in life even when you're only almost seventeen years old.
She said that my newfound ways of approaching the social aspects of life are a huge step towards my recovery, and she hasn't seen anyone with such a strong case of disorders improve so quickly.
She's seen small bouts of recovery, where people will think they're better, but it ends up just being a new relationship or something that makes them happy.
But the reason she knows that mine is different is because I'm doing this for me, myself. Not because of Chip, or Briana, or my mother, or Joel, not because of anyone but myself.
This is probably the only time that you can do something for yourself and it not be a selfish thing to do.

But I've never been so happy in my life.
I've missed out on so much, holding my dark cloud over my head.
Starting today, I'm back.
I'm a person again, a human being.

I closed my eyes for a moment in the car on the way home from therapy, and it was tranquil; placid.
Usually when I close my eyes... it's horrifying; flashes of what nightmares I have would seep through my eyelids and force my eyes open.
But I closed my eyes and I was fine. There was nothing but darkness and peace.
And it's the most wonderful thing in the entire world for me.

You've read my journal, all my insane entries and rants and raves.
You've seen me fluctuate from happy to sad within a matter of minutes.
You've seen my anger, my depression, my anxiety, my fear.
You know what I mean when I say that I'm ill, it was never a matter of dispute.

And, according to Carlye, if six months from now, things are still going this way...
My file will no longer read "Certifiably insane."
What will it say?

Recovered Borderline; treatment fulfilled.

You can be anywhere when your life begins; when the future opens up in front of you... and you may not even realize it at first, but it's already happening.

(2 bloody faces | dance at a punk show)

Oh, you criminal! Society!   
10:28pm 04/10/2004
mood: amused
Kids today...

... I do have a fetish for little boys though.

Just kidding.


(5 bloody faces | dance at a punk show)

She didn't leave but she was sure as hell gone.   
03:02am 03/10/2004
mood: crushed
When you live with someone long enough... you can tell what they're trying to hide by the way they try to hide it.

Did I mention that Coffee and Cigarettes is a great movie.
I don't think I've ever seen a better cast, either.
The scene with Iggy, and then the very last scene... cracked me up.
Oh dear.

Is that all you're going to have for lunch?
Coffee and cigarettes?
That's not very healthy.


I miss you.
Your friendship.
It would be... pointless... to even bother asking for your forgiveness.
After all, you're better off.
But... ah... I wish I could understand... how easy it is.. to throw someone away, without allowing room for explanation, or apologies, no matter how pointless they might be.
But then again, you know me.
I wouldn't apologize or explain even if you did give me the chance.
Not because I don't think I did anything wrong, but because I wouldn't know where to start.
If I tried to apologize, I think I'd start by telling you I'm sorry for... the first time we spoke.
Because after that, it was never the same.

The forgotten.

(dance at a punk show)

When you can't afford it, it's too expensive. When you can, it's free.   
07:25pm 01/10/2004
mood: mellow
Wanted to go to Ruston tonight with Alex and William, but couldn't get out of the being grounded mess.
So I'm still grounded for the weekend.
But it's cool, sometimes I have more fun just relaxing and watching movies by myself.
It gives me a chance to calm down.
During the school week it didn't phase me one bit being grounded because I haven't been going out much during the week lately anyway.

I think I did really well on that Buford test today.
Well, really well in comparison to usual, anyway.

Anyway, rented Coffee and Cigarettes, which I'm I think in the middle of, but wanted to take a break to actually drink some coffee because now I'm in the mood for some.
And I also rented 21 Grams. I heart Benicio Del Toro.

Betsy, I bought the horse shampoo.
And I thought you'd like to know.
And I washed my hair with it and it feels all soft and fun.

Finally went to get my glasses fixed today.
They'll be ready tomorrow.
Cool. I can wear my goofy purple glasses again. Yay.

Spencer and Lindsey came over last night, did I already mention that?
I don't know if I did.
They stayed for maybe an hour or two, I don't remember, but we had to sit outside because my stepdad is sick and my mom was asleep on the couch with the baby.
So we sat on the porch and smoked cigarettes and talked, and Lindsey was really hyper so she was talking really fast and me and Spencer pretty much just laughed at her the whole time.
Then he tried to bench press her in my backyard, only it didn't work out.
Like, at all.
Fun to watch, though.

I guess I'm gonna go grab a cup of coffee and finish the movie.

I like you.

But I do NOT like YOU.

(3 bloody faces | dance at a punk show)

Jesus loves you, but he's only using me for sex.   
10:00pm 30/09/2004
mood: these foxies are so cute.

Dude, this election is the best thing I've seen ever.
Because I hate both of them, but Kerry redeems himself by being SO MUCH GOD DAMN SMARTER and, uh, a BETTER PUBLIC SPEAKER, than that faggot.
Kerry would really redeem himself if he'd say more about gay marriages and, you know, not banning them and all.
And GO SPAIN for trying to legalize gay marriages and FUCK THE CATHOLIC CHURCH for wanting to ban them. I HATE CATHOLICS. Except Mrs. Buford. She's one of the cool Catholics, which are few and far between.
I'm gonna go live in SPAIN motherfuckers.

No, no I'm not.
But it's fun to say so.

But I AM moving to Seattle, so WHO'S WITH ME?!
Come on kids. Speak up now.

(dance at a punk show)

08:49pm 28/09/2004
mood: annoyed

Well, from now on, this journal is gonna be friends only because there are certain people that don't want to be in my life and yet still read my journal. So, if they don't want to be a part of my life, I don't want them to read my journal.

I already made a few entries friends only, but from now on, I think they all will be.

(dance at a punk show)

I've lost EVERYTHING.   
12:45am 28/09/2004
mood: enraged
Yeah that'd be me.

Let's review.
My poems = my life.
I haven't written anything good in a long time.
So basically all I HAD anymore were the poems I once wrote.
Some of my best work.
There are only a couple poems that I'm REALLY devastated about losing because I don't remember them and they were my absolute favorite.
I maybe have a total of ten written down in random notebooks that I must now go searching for to get any scrap of my work back.

My website with all my poems = erased.
Which means I no longer have any of my shit because it's not on this computer.
You know what?
I mean... really bad.
I honestly think I'm going to cry because I can't ever get them back.
I think maybe I typed in a couple on random journals, so now I have to go back and search every old journal I've had (that's gonna suck) and search for any tiny bit of poetry I may have written on there.
::breathe in, breathe out::

Oh this is so bad.
Okay. Breathe in, breathe out.
I have so many notebooks scattered around in my room with random writings in them.
And I'm sure each one has at LEAST one or two poems in it.
But that's beside the point.
My favorite poems, I don't think I ever wrote them down because I typed them out as I was thinking about them and never bothered to copy them.
Shit. Shit shit shit.
And, of course, any of my best stuff was the shit I wrote about Bob, and those were really my favorites, or at least a couple of them were, and now I'm REALLY upset because that was like... all I had left of our relationship.
I honestly am going to cry because now I've got nothing. Nothing at all that had anything to do with my relationship with him. Anything I wrote about him had my entire heart and soul poured out into it.
And now my heart and soul is missing because the poems are missing.
And I don't mean missing in the way that hey they could turn up.
Yeah they're gone. Like, dead.
I'm gonna VOMIT. This is SO BAD.

I'm sorry I'm making a huge deal out of this.
But poetry and music = me. My life.
Now, music, hey I'll always have music. But the music isn't MINE.
POETRY was MINE. MY poetry was my life.
I LIVED for writing poetry. Granted, I haven't written any in a while, at least nothing good, but... oh man. This makes me dizzy.
I definitely won't be sleeping tonight. UGH.

(1 bloody face | dance at a punk show)

Stupidity is back by popular demand.   
09:55pm 27/09/2004
mood: indescribable
I found the funniest thing on the Dead Milkmen website.
It was like this punk rock girl paper doll thing that you could print out and color and it had all these different hairstyles and outfits.
But it was so fucking cute that I couldn't resist it.
And I printed it out and started coloring it but then my ADD kicked in and I started doing something else.
But I don't remember what.

I want to watch The Cell.
I think I'll do that later when I'm in bed.
Yay. Good movie.
I told my dad to rent Dancer in the Dark and Elephant.
He likes those kinds of movies.
Me and him are the kind of people that go into Hollywood video and look for the most random movies that we've never heard of and we rent them and watch them and end up really liking them.
Which is how I found Elephant. And it ended up becoming one of my favorite movies ever.
Yep. Werd.

Okay so Alex and I definitely aren't going to homecoming together.
It's cool, but now I need to find a date.
Which is really hard for me to do because most boys find me disagreeable and offensive.
Like, I thought about asking this kid to homecoming, no names please.
And then I found out he's a christian.
And I was like dude... I have no problem with christians (sort of), but I can't be one's date, or girlfriend, and half the time I can't be their friends either.
With my luck, me and this boy would go to homecoming together and I'd make some sort of antichrist joke and then I'd get stuck with the check at dinner because he'd leave.
That's what happens. I offend people. I don't mean to... sometimes.

The word vagina sounds like the name of a disease.
That is all I have to say about that.

I make too many sexual jokes. Justine thinks she's bad, but in comparison to me, she's really not.
All I do is hit on people. Not just boys. I hit on EVERYONE.
I mean, sometimes I'm just being goofy and joking around.
But usually I'm actually trying to sleep with them.
Well, okay no I'm not.
But it sounds like I am.
And I wondered how those rumors got around of me being a whore before I even lost my virginity.

I think I irritated the Bob.
But that's okay because I don't know if I did for sure so I'm not assuming anything.
But for a minute I thought I did because he was just like wow you get amused too easily.
And, I do. But I felt like it was annoying him so I stopped talking.
Yeah. Woo. I talk about stupid stuff on this journal.

5 4 3 2 1 gimme sopor.
You stupid asshole.

What was the best day of your life?

What would happen if your entire world... spun out of control?
I would catch you.

(dance at a punk show)

Schoooooool sucks.   
04:07pm 27/09/2004
mood: apathetic
School sucks, that is the end of that.

I have to go to dinner with my dad tonight.
It's part of my punishment for getting drunk on Saturday.
Cool, free food, whatever.
Maybe we'll go out to eat somewhere like we used to. That's cool.

School was really stupid today.
I fell asleep in English when they were reading Long Day's Journey into Night.
And before I knew it, it was time to go to lunch. Cool.
Mrs. Keith is really fucking stupid though.
She FINALLY passed out progress reports today in 3rd hour, and after she passed out everyone's, I kid you not--literally 15 people went up to her desk and told her to recheck her math because they didn't think they were doing as badly as their progress reports said.
And sure enough, 15 grades were changed.
I checked mine, mine was right.
Yep, I deserved that 70, cuz I don't do SHIT in that class except sleep and bitch about how cold it is.
We determined that my grade depends on her weight.
Because if she weren't so obese, it wouldn't be as cold in that room because she wouldn't get hot as easily.
And if it weren't so cold, I wouldn't go to sleep.
Because when it's cold in the class, I try to warm myself up by cuddling up in the desk. And then I get sleepy.
So, the syllogism of this is, my grade is dependent on her fat.
The end.

I realized last night that I can't tell the difference between dreams and reality.
I really can't. I went up to Tyler Davis today and asked him if I talked to him on Saturday at soundstage, and when he said no, I realized okay then I guess it was a dream.
Which probably made him wonder why I'm dreaming about him.
And I'm wondering it too because we don't even talk.
I dream about random people.

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

(1 bloody face | dance at a punk show)

Slit your wrists and call yourself an extremo kid.   
07:18pm 26/09/2004
mood: awake
The baby fell off the couch earlier and hit his head on the table and landed on the floor.
And I started crying when he did.
It was the worst image ever, seeing him fall backwards and hit the table and then the floor... it made me really sad because I don't like it when he gets hurt.
Poor baby.

I'm so tired.
I fell asleep earlier while I was studying for american history.
I hate hate HATE school.
Oh well.
I've decided that if I'm passing my classes when I turn 17, I'll stay in school.
But if I'm failing, I'm gonna drop out.
That's my little compromise with myself.

Why do you even care?
What the fuck is the point anymore?
What does it matter to you if I hurt, or if I'm happy, or if I'm crying or dying of lung cancer or something?
It doesn't, so stop it.
Just... fucking stop.
Why are you even still here?

Lindsey loves Spencer.
She told me to write that.
So now I have. COOL.

(dance at a punk show)

Let's have a war.   
03:07pm 25/09/2004
mood: bored
Uh today is boring.
I've been awake for like 3 hours though.
And I watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen because I was in the mood to watch a girly stupid movie.
And because I read the book.
The movie sucks though. The only good thing about it is Lindsay Lohan because she's hot.
Yep. Hot.

Bob told me to go to the show naked because I can't find any clothes.
I might do that.
Only not really.
Because that would be silly.
And it might rain. So I would be cold.

Um... hmm... my back hurts really badly and I don't know why.
But that doesn't matter.

I think I'm gonna blow up the school.
Well, it'd be really cool if someone did, anyway.
Because... yeah. Then Magnet would just be this crater in the ground.
And, while we're at it, let's blow up Shreve.
Only, when we blow up Shreve, let's make sure everyone's still IN the school.
Except like Briana, and the other select few people that aren't shitheads.

Me and Spencer are skipping school one day soon and going to Shreve to visit Mrs. Heckelman.
CooL. We miss her. She was the best ever.
I used to always go sit in her chair and go through her desk looking for markers and candy.
And I'd come in during lunch because Ben and Wayne had her 4th hour and I'd sit in there and spin around on the rolley chairs while they tried to have class.
Aw, I miss her.
Really bad.

The end.

(2 bloody faces | dance at a punk show)

I'm a living, breathing contradiction.   
05:04pm 24/09/2004
mood: starving!
Today was cool, it rained all day, that was nice.
Except it made me really tired.
And really cold.

English was fun today because we started reading Long Day's Journey into Night, and she had people get in front of the room and say the lines since it's a play.
Werner, Destin, Jake, and Trey were up there. It was really funny. But it was odd because they were all right in front of me since I'm on the front row and I was spaced out and staring right in front of me and Holly thought I was staring at Jake's crotch.

I guess I'm about to go to ihop to eat pancakes. Because I'm fucking starving.
And I have 30 bucks.
Which means I can afford to eat pancakes because I'm fucking starving.

Spanish was funny today because we didn't really do anything and it went by really fast, and Justine was uh... making some sexual gestures... and Mrs. Vincent looked over at her and saw it.
And started laughing.
And then I said it would be even better if she knew who we'd been talking about when Justine did that, because we'd been talking about HER!
Because, uh, dude. Our Spanish teacher is hot.
And we've determined that we're going to have an orgy with her, Mrs. Watkins, and Mrs. Watkins' daughter. It'll be really hot because all three of them speak Spanish and have those accents.. O.O

Um... yeah.
It's raining. And I'm cold.
And Tor got in a wreck, with Paul I think?
She said she's okay though but shaken up and wet.
But I'm about to meet them at ihop I guess. As soon as my mom comes back. Because no one else will take me. Which is okay.
I'm wearing my orange converses for probably the third time since I bought them.
Because I'm addicted to my vans.
I honestly never wear any other shoes.
But they're soaked, so I decided I'd wear these today.
Is this important at all? Not in the slightest.

It'd be really cool if my mom showed up soon.
Cuz uh... yeah I'm starving.

Okay cool. Bye.

(dance at a punk show)

Nhung and I want turquoise vibrators. What?   
09:25pm 23/09/2004
mood: giggly
I am dedicating this entry to how fucking stupid George Bush is.
Because I hate him and he should go fuck himself with his newly "approved" weapons.
And maybe one will accidentally go off and give him a new asshole.
Or... something.
But anyway. What better way to CELEBRATE our DIVINE (fuck) president than to make fun of him with these BRILLIANT quotes of his.

But just so I don't clog your friends pages again... cut.Collapse )

(dance at a punk show)

Tresemme, tresemme, oolala.   
04:43pm 23/09/2004
mood: hungry
Dear Die-ary,

Today I hit Mr. Gallant with a whip that Damen had.
And then he kicked me.
That is all.

Briana is coming to kidnap me and she has to go to Walmart for something, I dunno, and then hopefully we'll go somewhere and stay there for a while so that I can study for Buford's test.
But she sounds like she's in a really good mood which is good and I'm glad we get to hang out. Yay.

Victoria's mom told her she couldn't go out tonight, which meant no coming home with the Sami.
And she checked out during lunch anyway, so whatever.
Um... hmm...I'm hungry.


(dance at a punk show)

My mom has a really shitty record collection.   
11:05pm 22/09/2004
mood: bored
Is it Friday yet?
I'd like it to be Friday now, please.

Get your first month free.

...I'm not sure why I typed that.

Mmm... let's seeeeee.
Show on Saturday, I guess I'm going to that.
Although, how am I getting there? I'm not sure.
Someone, let me bum a ride.
Por favor.

Tor is coming home with me after school and we're gonna have a listening to music party because she finally listens to good music, and we're gonna study for Buford's zillion tests coming up within the next week or whatever.
Has anyone started that god forsaken project on nationalism in her class?
Cuz I haven't. I don't even know if I'm doing it by myself or not.
Or what the fuck I'm doing it on.
Grr. Meh. Arg. Ack.

I'm going through menopause at sixteen!

4 months and six days until I turn seventeen.
I'm trying to find Seinfeld on dvd. I remember looking for it at Best Buy with Alec one day but we didn't see it. Do they even HAVE it on dvd?
You'd think they would, right?
I mean... everything's on dvd now.
I'm gonna find out about that.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
I remember we used to play that game at Emily's with her little sister Kendall.
And we swore that once it worked.
But I think her little bratty friend was holding her up to make us think it worked. Cuz this little brat was a beast and Kendall weight like an ounce.
So it wouldn't have been hard to fool us.

Why isn't Abbey online? That would be really cool if she was.
Really cool.

Okay bye.

(dance at a punk show)

And I thought I'd make it to 100. I didn't even make it to 20.   
11:00pm 21/09/2004
mood: getting near drunk already.
I... am drinking.
Tequila, if you must know.
I was... unaware how much alcohol was in this house.
I thought we just had wine, which my mom mostly used for cooking, and would sip on occasionally.
And Keith's beer, and he drinks a nasty kind, so I paid no attention to it. I didn't even want to touch it.
I like wine, but I decided it wasn't that important.
Because I wanted to quit.
And I thought I could do it.

But then, I went to go get cereal.
And behind my box of Corn Pops... was a bottle of tequila that my mom uses for margaritas.
And that I used to mix with Dr. Pepper because it tasted really fucking good.

And I couldn't help it.
It was like... I wasn't even really there.
I felt like I was watching someone else take it.
Because it was such an angry rush towards the bottle. And it was SO PATHETIC.

But then, after talking to Paula... I realized... that I'm not doing a bad thing.
I mean, yeah, drinking = bad, and I WAS doing SO GOOD, for me anyway.
But... it's okay. Because I'm human. And I had a weak point.
And I can still do it, despite this weak point.
I just can't do it all of a sudden like I tried to do.

crowdedXelevator [10:55 PM]: o.o Nooo....Sami.. You were doing so well. : (
Deadheroes GBH [10:56 PM]: i know. fuck.
Deadheroes GBH [10:57 PM]: i guess i was expecting too much though, quitting cold turkey like that...
crowdedXelevator [10:57 PM]: Well cold turkey is always the first step... Now you just need to start quitting gradually - and eventually you'll be able to quit forever.
Deadheroes GBH [10:58 PM]: i know. because, really sixteen days is the longest i've gone since i started drinking. it's the longest i've gone without even a sip, even the SMELL of alcohol. so, i mean... i guess it's a hell of a start, right?
crowdedXelevator [10:58 PM]: It is.. I'm proud of you for lasting that long..and you can't blame yourself for taking a drink right now, bc we all have our moments of weaknesses when trying to quit something.. It's part of the whole "healing process"
Deadheroes GBH [10:59 PM]: thank you.
crowdedXelevator [10:59 PM]: No problem hun

She's right.
And I'm rather proud of myself.
And if anyone wants to criticize me and tell me that they knew I was full of shit with the quitting drinking thing or tell me.. anything else that's bad, you can fuck off.
Because if you're a real friend, you'd try to support me.
The first thing you learn when you start any kind of therapy, whether it be the kind I have now, or the kind I went through in Brentwood (chemical dependency), you learn that if your friends won't support you, then you need to let them go.
Because what you need is support and understanding and comfort.
BECAUSE of weak moments like these.
But I didn't talk to anyone before it happened. So no one COULD support, comfort me. And that was my own fault.
But I can do this.
I just can't do it cold turkey like I hoped I could.
Obviously, I can't.

But to those who might be concerned... I'm sorry I've disappointed you.

(1 bloody face | dance at a punk show)

Dear Diary. Today is Day Sixteen.   
04:04pm 21/09/2004
mood: groggy
To whom it may consume:

Today was alright I guess, took a Spanish test that I was sure I'd do great on, and ended up bombing it.
Chemistry test tomorrow, I'm not even gonna try to study for it, because I'm just gonna fail it anyway.
So fuck that class.

Nevermind. I'll study.
But only so I have something to do.

Couldn't help but keep looking at Justine in Spanish.
She looked really sad.
In first hour, Damen was sitting outside of our class, and we had the door open, and a second after I walked in, Justine like threw herself out of her chair and ran at Damen and kind of yelled at him what did he want.
And then I got worried about her because I wondered if they were having problems again.
And I wanted to say something to her. But I decided it would be best if I didn't, because if someone told me they didn't want to speak to me for a while and then came up to me asking if I was okay and if I was having problems with my insignificant other, I'd probably punch them in the face.
But Justine is a pacifist.
So she wouldn't have punched me in the face.
But still.
It's the principle of the matter, I guess. I don't know.
But... she looked really sad and worn down, and, well... I don't know.
I'd like to say that I don't care.
I'd like to say that I hate her and that I'm glad she's upset.
But I can't.
Because I do care. And I don't hate her. And I'm not glad she's upset.

Sometimes assholes really do have feelings, you know.
Sounds chilling, doesn't it? o.O

Other than that, today was pretty boring.
Hung out with Matty at lunch. That was cool, he's a funny kid.
Alex tried to fondle him. That was weird. Poor Matty.

Oh, me and Tor are cool again I guess.
I mean... it wasn't really my idea to talk to her again. It just sort of happened. Because I was walking to 3rd hour and all of a sudden she's right next to me and we're walking in the same direction and I said hey or something.
And it went on from there.
And she was wearing a DK shirt so I had to comment on it. Because DK, yeah, they fucking rock.
But why am I telling you that? You should already know.
And for you bastards that DON'T know that DK rocks, do yourself a favor, and just kill yourselves.
Or something.
Just kidding.
Although it would eliminate a lot of stupid people.

And as the pain begins to displace, had it to ear level with this place, you see it on my face--a state of suspended grace. Gradually I erase and find comfort in the sickest womb. I might be present but not in the room...Fallin' apart like usual: handin out flyers to my funeral.

(1 bloody face | dance at a punk show)

Just kidding.   
10:14pm 20/09/2004
mood: disappointed
Boy meets girl.
Girl likes boy.
Boy likes another girl.

(dance at a punk show)